April is Child Abuse Prevention Month

We sat down with Family Wellness Therapist, Miranda binns-Calvey, MSW to learn more about what child abuse is and how we can prevent.

What is your definition of child abuse?

Child abuse can be seen as neglecting basic needs, including emotional support, nutritional support, and housing. While many people think of this term meaning violence, it really goes beyond that. It really can be as simple as not meeting day-to-day essentials.

 

What are some misconceptions people have about child abuse?

It would have to be the emotional aspect of the situation. A lot of people think of parents who aren’t showing up to meet these needs as monsters, but there are so many environmental factors at play. Oftentimes, parents struggling in this dynamic haven’t figured out their town traumas and therefore have trouble interacting with their child in a healthy way. With that, another misconception is that these parents don’t want the best for their kids; they really do. But sometimes their own life experiences have misinformed them about what the “best” really looks like. Some things that are said and done come from a place of fear as well.

 

How do you approach these fears and difficulties that a caregiver is experiencing?

Families heal by humanizing the parent. It’s important that when an emotion comes up, we ask them “What do you feel?” and “Why do you feel sad/anxious/angry/etc.?” There’s going to be times where some parents will struggle to figure out how their previous trauma is showing up in their current life, and maybe those are cases where families need to spend time apart before they can be together safely.  Once we can identify a parent’s fears and how they are connected to ways they interact with their child, we can provide guidance that helps meet needs in a healthy way.

 

What are some common and uncommon signs?

I’ll start with uncommon signs. One that often comes up is “parenting the parent.” We see kids doing the work of taking care of both their emotional needs and their parents’ emotional needs. You might see kids who are really good at school, super attentive, and also super aware of what’s going on for adults. But these kids often don’t know how to be a kid because they have adult issues on their mind. So, we see heightened anxiety in the kiddo. Cases with these symptoms can also be challenging to work with because the young person might think “No, I’m fine.”

One intervention that we love to do with these kids is to play a sorting game. We hold up a stick that says “Kid Worry” on one side and says “Adult Worry” on the other. We list different challenging circumstances, and the kids flip it to the side that they think matches. We help guide kids and work through understanding that taking on Mom or Dad’s problems is not for them. This really helps look at situations with logic when big feelings might come up.

In terms of common signs, physical issues might be easier to pick up on. For example, food instability could be characterized by appearing malnourished or hiding food after gaining access to it. One may see marks such as bruises or notice that a child has sensitivity to loud noises where kiddo is at a heightened activation level. With behavioral signs, some children exhibit physical aggression such as hitting, which can sometimes indicate that it was modeled in front of them. Many signs we see are trauma responses.

 

How can you tell the difference between a young child who has anxiety going on as part of natural development vs. something larger going on at home?

It’s natural for kids to act out from time to time and say “no” or have worries. But usually when something more serious is going on these kids are inconsolable. It reaches a point to where they are shutting down and not able to function on a daily level. They may automatically think that someone yelling might hurt them. They also have a hard time using what we like to call their “thinking brain” and may revert to what joke as their “lizard brain,” which encompasses those extremely basic reactions of flight, fight, or freeze (and fawning). Sometimes kids’ logic will get jumbled and they think “I need to hit someone first before they hit me” in their fight instinct. Or some kids may revert to freezing via shutting down crying and refusing to talk.  

Thinking back to the uncommon signs where a child may be high-functioning and doing well at school, they may go above and beyond to please so that their parents won’t be anxious anymore which would be in the fawn category.

What advice do you have for parents struggling with their own emotional regulation?

Getting therapy themselves and finding a good support network is awesome. We tell parents to be mindful of how they are feeling, to reflect on what’s triggering for them, and to recognize where the struggles are. It can be as simple as taking a five-minute breathing break with a friend of family member.

We also recognize that some parents don’t have this type of support easily accessible. It’s important to give themselves grace in recognizing what isn’t readily available for them and to push forward in the ways they can. We like to remind clients to not put pressure on themselves and help explore what’s out there in terms of free parent support groups and counseling services after they leave Savio. Finding people going through the same hardships is huge and can really help the healing process. We always remind caregivers that they are doing the best they can.

 

What would you say to parents who might be feeling guilt with these challenges?

I would tell them to recognize that they are coming from a good place and affirm that we know they want the best for their kid. They are doing things based off their own trauma—which is all they know how.

 

What are your child abuse prevention tips?

Not giving consequences to your kid while you are angry. If that does arise, recognize it and know you can heal and recover from it. You can model that for kids by asking for forgiveness and owning up to your mistakes. Giving grace to yourself as you work through past behaviors. Let go of guilt and shame and try to do better next time. Even if you try and it doesn’t go as planned, keep going and keep trying. No parent is perfect.

 

What prevention advice would you give to people outside the immediate family that may be experiencing this issue?

Approach with that same sense of kindness we ask parents of themselves. Approach parents with the question, “How can I support you?” and “I notice that you are struggling with X; what’s happening for you?” Approach with that curious lens vs. judging. Check in with the child, check in with the parent. And remind parents of the difference between an emergency and a non-emergency when you see a big reaction. For example, is a child in physical danger vs. did a child not clean up after themselves?

If you sense that a child is in danger, absolutely report at co4kids.org or their hotline 844-CO-4-Kids.

 

Any last thoughts you’d love for people to know?

Your own parents did the best they knew with the tools they had. That’s how we are raised. But now we can be in a place to know we can do better.

Humanizing does not mean excusing. You can hold people to a standard without shouting or getting aggressive. It’s also important for parents to recognize that kids are doing the best they can as well. Try to release that shame when we don’t live up to expectations.

Showing up for your kid each day is trying, even if you feel like it’s chaos, providing love and support to the best of your ability is important. Everyone is learning and growing. Even if your kid is not going down the path you initially thought for them, keep being of support and there for them. Your child is coming to their own conclusions and this journey is a process.