Olivia and her Aunt, Jessica, were walking into the grocery store. Suddenly Olivia froze and started mumbling, “No, no, no...stop!” Her body was rigid with fear. She refused to take another step and in a shaky voice asked to leave. On the way home she cried quietly, unable to explain.

Jessica shared this story with me when I met her at a park.  It was difficult for us to have a conversation: it became immediately clear that Olivia, and her brother and sister, were all “runners”.  The three were bonded together in a unique way; through a shared experience of childhood sexual abuse is no way for siblings to bond. The abuse went on for a long time and by various adults and further exacerbated by neglect.  

Jessica was desperately in need of help - unsure of how to help these kids and control their behaviors.  My heart hurt for this family - knowing how terrifying it must have been for those children to be victims of sexual abuse at such a young age – and seeing how it made even a mundane trip to the grocery store impossible.  And unlike adults, traditional talk therapy was beyond the cognitive and verbal skills of these children.

Now in the care of their Aunt Jessica and Uncle Anthony, Olivia (5), Jameson (4) and Emily (3)  felt safe for the first time ever. But seeing how these children were unable to control themselves at the park, and hearing the story of Olivia in the grocery store, made it clear there would be a lot of work to do. 

Every child that comes into Savio is unique - the child themselves, their story, and their past. These kids were no different and my approach needed to be customized. Sexual abuse and neglect among such young children, there was no doubt this was going to be supremely challenging. Their case was not “just” about the trauma of their abuse - it had evolved to these young children sexually acting out on others.

The three kids had no sense of appropriate emotional responses given all the dysfunction and abuse they had experienced. We often think that young children have limitless energy - which they can - think of this on the emotional side now. These kids were emotionally hyperactive, naturally distrustful of adults, and fearful of abandonment.  

At Savio, we know that caregivers need to be central to treating every child. Jessica and her Uncle were critical to the recovery of these three children. They provide a safe space, the routine, and the consistency and love in an environment that is predictable - and so crucial to healing and trauma recovery. I would be in their lives for about six months – hopefully leaving them with the tools to make consistent progress over years.

The first goal was to improve the mind-body connection to increase emotional awareness and regulation. I helped the family practice simple yoga poses, sang songs and use a calm and consistent tone of voice with each other. 

The children were so young their work was naturally very simple to help them identify their emotions and how to appropriately communicate them. I helped Jessica and her husband Anthony think about children’s books and how emotional safety messages are communicated.  We talked about taking that learning for children who haven’t even really developed these skills yet and now must learn the skill in order to overcome serious trauma.  I helped them understand the importance of feeling safety through routine and consistency, and how to make age-appropriate choices to increase the children’s self-confidence, motivation, and feelings of self-worth.

The outcomes for healing in the siblings led them to amazing personal transformations. The youngest, Emily, was able to speak and advocate for herself. Jameson was able to use his words to describe his anger before lashing out and hitting others and Olivia became much more creative and increased two grade levels in her academic performance. You might think to yourself, “a child that has stopped hitting others” is a victory?  In this case, yes, as his trauma runs so deep, it became his way of “communicating.”  A loving environment and feelings of safety provided in the home helped them blossom into thriving people. 

Most memorable for me was with Emily, the three-year-old “baby,” who was now speaking. Previously, her words were so garbled that no one could understand her, and she often would go into screaming fits and isolate herself if she did not get what she wanted. This is true of toddlers, but not with the frequency and intensity of Emily’s reactions. She would go into survival mode instantly. Later, Emily could ask for what she wanted, and she would not shut down or scream if she did not get her way. She could eventually answer questions and identify her emotions in family meetings, such as “when I felt angry this week, when I felt happy today,” etc. 

Imagine the phrase “I felt happy today” coming from any of these three children.  That speaks volumes about the healing capabilities of the family-based therapies that we use at Savio.

Kelli Hayes

Child and Family Protection Therapist